Council Of Insanity

PUDDING HOLLOW, OH—Every porch light left on this Halloween will be counted toward the household census, the Council confirmed Saturday, in what officials described as "the first enumeration residents actually want to take part in." Under the program, any home with its porch light on between 6 and 9 p.m. on October 31 is recorded as a "participating household" and entered onto Form HC-31, the Council's short-form census return. Homes with the light off are scheduled for what the notice calls "a brief in-person follow-up," to be conducted at a time of the household's choosing, before November 1. The count is taken by the doorbell cameras residents have already installed. "Every porch on this street has a camera pointed at it," said Denise Kowalczyk, 50, a census enumerator, walking the 400 block of Linden Avenue with a clipboard. "Light on is a participating household. Light off, we follow up in person. Participation is voluntary, and...

RESEDA, CA—A fast-growing chain of walk-in clinics advertising "CBT" in strip malls across the country is reporting remission rates that outpace traditional therapy, despite what state licensing officials on Friday called "a significant difference in the C." The clinics, most of which opened this fall under plain teal signs reading "CBT — WALK-INS WELCOME," began drawing patients with anxiety, panic disorder and general unease, many of whom assumed the letters stood for cognitive behavioral therapy, the evidence-based treatment that typically runs twelve to twenty weekly sessions. According to staff, they did not. "People assume the C stands for cognitive," said Marisol Ortega, 46, intake coordinator at the Reseda location, standing behind a front desk with a clipboard. "We never said that. The sign just says C-B-T." Ortega said every patient signs a one-page intake form whose final question reads "Have you read the sign?" and...

MEEKTON, TN—State education officials have opened a review of the Proverbs 31 Academy for Girls after parents reported that the school's fourth-grade math workbook teaches that two plus two equals "whatever your husband says," a position the academy's headmistress described Thursday as "not a wrong answer, just a household one." "Two plus two is four if he says it's four," said June Harlow, 63, headmistress of the 140-student academy, holding up a worn copy of Helpmeet Mathematics, Level 4, in the school's front hallway. "Math was never really about the numbers." Harlow said the workbook, first printed in 1984 and used "without complaint" until this fall, leaves every answer line blank and follows each problem with the instruction "(ask your husband)," adding that the answer key is sold separately "to the appropriate party." The workbook's science and geometry units have also drawn attention. Dale...

TEMPE, AZ—Staff at a Tempe daycare say a growing number of toddlers who refuse to eat broccoli have been found behind the building's sandbox with blue razz disposable vapes, a discovery the facility's director described Wednesday as "upsetting, but honestly not surprising, given the flavor." "We found eleven of them behind the sandbox. All blue razz," said Carol Pruitt, 61, director of Little Acorns Early Learning, holding up a clear zip bag of the devices outside the building's front door. "The broccoli was untouched." Pruitt said the vapes were found during a routine sandbox sweep, alongside two juice boxes and a single steamed floret "that no one had even tried to hide." The products, sold in candy-colored disposable shells under names like blue razz ice, gummy bear, cotton candy and unicorn milk, have drawn years of criticism from pediatricians and federal regulators, who have repeatedly warned that the flavors and packaging appea...

BOULDER, CO—A two-year study released Monday by researchers at the Halvorsen Center for Applied Calm has confirmed what many suspected: adults who meditate for 20 minutes a day become measurably calmer, more present and, by every metric the team collected, significantly more insufferable. The study followed 1,100 adults across Boulder County who committed to a daily 20-minute practice. Over two years, participants' self-reported stress fell 31 percent, and their average resting cortisol fell with it. But researchers also measured the people who lived and worked alongside them. Their stress rose 40 percent. "Calm is not destroyed. It is moved," said Dr. Ingrid Halvorsen, 62, who led the study and has meditated for "about nine minutes, once, in 1994." "The meditator gets the calm. Everyone within roughly forty feet gets the rest." The findings build on a real line of research. A 2018 paper in the journal Psychological Science found that yoga and meditati...

GRUBSBURG, OH—Facing what officials described as "an unprecedented volume of questions from men about other people's backs," the Ohio Chiropractic Posture Line, a 24-hour telephone hotline staffed by licensed chiropractors, reported more than 41,000 calls last week, nearly all of them from men who said they could not tell whether what they were looking at was a curvy figure or lumbar hyperlordosis. The line was launched in March by a regional chiropractic association to answer routine questions about posture, desk ergonomics and lower-back pain. According to the association's quarterly call log, routine questions now make up less than one percent of the volume. "Lumbar hyperlordosis is real. It's common. Usually it's anterior pelvic tilt, where the pelvis tips forward and the lower back curves more than it should," said Dr. Dale Hupp, 61, a chiropractor of 34 years who has worked the overnight shift since the line opened. "About fourteen degrees...