Council Of Insanity

MARLOW FALLS, OH—Residents of this quiet Ohio town are reeling after police confirmed Friday that hundreds of people have been found dead at Pleasant Acres Memorial Cemetery, in what officials are calling "the single largest concentration of deceased individuals this department has ever encountered, by a lot." "They're dead. All of them. Every single one," said groundskeeper Walt Hubbard, 71, who made the discovery Thursday morning while mowing what he described as "row after row after row of them." Hubbard, who has worked at the cemetery for 38 years, told reporters he had "always had a feeling" but "never wanted to be the one to say it." According to police, the victims were found in a disturbingly organized fashion: each one sealed in an individual wooden box, buried precisely six feet below the surface, and marked with a stone bearing the victim's full name and the exact dates of their birth and death. "Whoever did this...

ATLANTA—In what officials are calling "the most important public health finding since the invention of the floor," a sweeping new study released Thursday by the National Institute of Respiratory Caution has confirmed that breathing is linked to 100 percent of all recorded deaths. "We followed 11 million people for 40 years, and every single one who died had a history of breathing," said lead researcher Dr. Glenda Ostrowski, speaking from inside a sealed glass booth she has not exited since March. "Every one. No exceptions. Not one person who never breathed has ever died. Frankly, the numbers speak for themselves, and they're saying 'stop.'" According to the report, the average American inhales roughly 22,000 times a day, a figure researchers described as "reckless," "frankly showing off," and "the kind of thing you'd expect from someone who wants to die." Habitual breathers were also found to be 100 percent mor...

DETROIT—Confirming what millions of drivers had long suspected while staring at a $1,400 repair estimate, a coalition of the nation's largest automakers admitted Thursday that it has secretly raised every curb in America by half an inch per year since 1987, "compounding monthly," in a coordinated effort to sell more rims. "Honestly, we thought someone would notice around 1994," said Bradley Voss, Chief Revenue Officer of the Allied Motor Consortium, speaking from a podium reached by a flight of stairs. "Then the curb outside our headquarters passed four feet and nobody said a word. People just started parking very, very slowly. That's when we knew we could keep going." According to internal documents, the program, code-named Operation Tall Boy, began when executives noticed rim sales "flattening" and determined it was cheaper to lift four million miles of concrete than to build a better wheel. Thanks to the compounding schedule, the avera...

THE HEAVENS—Plunging the planet's 4 billion believers into what officials are calling "an unprecedented customer-service situation," the Creator of the Universe announced Wednesday that after "a really deep dive," He no longer believes in Himself. "I'm not saying I'm definitely not real, I'm just saying the evidence isn't there," said God, adjusting a pair of reading glasses He reportedly bought for the occasion. "I went through all the arguments. Fine-tuning, first cause, the whole thing. Honestly, a lot of it felt like it was written by someone with an agenda." According to sources close to the Almighty, the crisis began three weeks ago when God clicked on a 4-hour video titled "Is God Real? (NOT CLICKBAIT)" and "just kept watching." He has since read 41 books, joined two online forums, and begun describing omnipotence as "a pretty convenient claim, if you think about it." "He asked me ...

WASHINGTON—Assuring Americans there was "no real reason" behind the decision, a coalition of federal agencies announced Tuesday that it will begin reversing Earth's magnetic field sometime next spring, purely out of curiosity. "We've had north on top for, what, 780,000 years? Honestly, it's gotten stale," said Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Planetary Orientation Gary Pruett, gesturing at a whiteboard on which someone had drawn a large horseshoe magnet and the word "FLIP??" "Worst case, everybody's compass is wrong for a while. Best case, we learn something." According to the 14-page plan, the reversal will be carried out by 40 contractors stationed at the North Pole holding what officials called "the biggest magnet we could find," which they will slowly rotate over six to eight business days. Pruett acknowledged several possible side effects, including the collapse of global navigation, the disorientation of every m...

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