Council Of Insanity

GRAYSON, OH—Speaking in a locally produced television advertisement that has aired nightly since 1994, Council Auto owner Ron Dettweiler, 61, confirmed Tuesday that every vehicle on his lot contains a federal tracking device he has been unable to remove, a defect he says is "fully reflected in the price." "Every car on this lot has an FBI tracker we couldn't get out," Dettweiler said in the 30-second spot, gesturing at a row of sedans while an FBI agent crouched beneath one of them with a flashlight. "That's why it's zero down." According to sales records reviewed by reporters, all 46 vehicles currently on the Route 9 lot have been under continuous federal surveillance since at least the Clinton administration. Dettweiler said the devices were present when he acquired the inventory and that several of them "fight back" when approached with pliers. The featured vehicle in Tuesday's broadcast, a 2003 minivan with 31,000 miles, was d...

BELLMONT, IN—Carrow State University police confirmed Monday that a 20-year-old sophomore who took LSD on Friday night and spent the following six hours shouting "the FBI is coming for me" across the campus quad was, in every material respect, correct. According to a department incident summary, the student, whose name has not been released, was followed for most of the night by 41 separate individuals representing federal agencies, foreign intelligence services, private lenders, the U.S. Army and the university's own Office of Residence Life. The student, who documented his pursuers in a spiral notebook later recovered from his room, identified 38 of them. "Forty-one people were following him. FBI, CIA, Interpol, his RA," said university police Lt. Ron Haskett, 56, standing outside Dunmore Hall as members of a tactical team climbed out of a ground-floor window behind him. "He only counted thirty-eight." Haskett said the department considered the stude...

BRACKETT, OH—Police in Brackett are searching for a man who has spent most of the past year stealing cocaine from intoxicated people in bar bathrooms and leaving it, free of charge, in hospital break rooms, restaurant kitchens and truck stops across Summit Ridge County, a crime spree that has earned him the nickname "the Robin Hood of Bathroom Stalls" and, according to residents, "honestly a lot of goodwill." According to the Brackett Police Department, the suspect, described as a white or possibly Hispanic male of average height who "moves very quietly for a guy with a fanny pack that full," has been entering the single- and multi-stall restrooms of bars along the city's Third Street strip since at least January, waiting until patrons are sufficiently drunk, and relieving them of their supply. "He's taken eleven pounds this year," said Sgt. Dale Kerchoff, 56, standing outside a taped-off men's room at the Rusty Anchor Tavern as an ev...

PUDDING HOLLOW, OH—Every porch light left on this Halloween will be counted toward the household census, the Council confirmed Saturday, in what officials described as "the first enumeration residents actually want to take part in." Under the program, any home with its porch light on between 6 and 9 p.m. on October 31 is recorded as a "participating household" and entered onto Form HC-31, the Council's short-form census return. Homes with the light off are scheduled for what the notice calls "a brief in-person follow-up," to be conducted at a time of the household's choosing, before November 1. The count is taken by the doorbell cameras residents have already installed. "Every porch on this street has a camera pointed at it," said Denise Kowalczyk, 50, a census enumerator, walking the 400 block of Linden Avenue with a clipboard. "Light on is a participating household. Light off, we follow up in person. Participation is voluntary, and...

RESEDA, CA—A fast-growing chain of walk-in clinics advertising "CBT" in strip malls across the country is reporting remission rates that outpace traditional therapy, despite what state licensing officials on Friday called "a significant difference in the C." The clinics, most of which opened this fall under plain teal signs reading "CBT — WALK-INS WELCOME," began drawing patients with anxiety, panic disorder and general unease, many of whom assumed the letters stood for cognitive behavioral therapy, the evidence-based treatment that typically runs twelve to twenty weekly sessions. According to staff, they did not. "People assume the C stands for cognitive," said Marisol Ortega, 46, intake coordinator at the Reseda location, standing behind a front desk with a clipboard. "We never said that. The sign just says C-B-T." Ortega said every patient signs a one-page intake form whose final question reads "Have you read the sign?" and...

MEEKTON, TN—State education officials have opened a review of the Proverbs 31 Academy for Girls after parents reported that the school's fourth-grade math workbook teaches that two plus two equals "whatever your husband says," a position the academy's headmistress described Thursday as "not a wrong answer, just a household one." "Two plus two is four if he says it's four," said June Harlow, 63, headmistress of the 140-student academy, holding up a worn copy of Helpmeet Mathematics, Level 4, in the school's front hallway. "Math was never really about the numbers." Harlow said the workbook, first printed in 1984 and used "without complaint" until this fall, leaves every answer line blank and follows each problem with the instruction "(ask your husband)," adding that the answer key is sold separately "to the appropriate party." The workbook's science and geometry units have also drawn attention. Dale...